Kindness Takes a Toll

On the road today to my niece's wedding. What type of kind deed can you do on the road? Pay the toll for the car behind you, of course.

The Goat Didn't Think It Was Kind

On the way to work I pass a new African restaurant that opened about a month ago. Every time I go by it’s empty, and I fear that it is not going to make it in this economy. Today I decided to buy lunch in an effort to give them some business. My friend’s daughter picked up a menu for me, and was enthusiastic about the idea because she found the people in the restaurant to be very friendly. I was feeling proud that I was onto a Big Idea.

Until I saw the menu. Goat meat stew. Cow meat appetizers. Ok, I’m not that kind. Really. I decided instead to by my some of my co-workers coffee. On my way out the door to pick it up, I had a twinge of regret. I do eat cow meat after all. I just don’t like to be reminded that it’s from a cow. I searched the menu for some items that looked vaguely, and I mean vaguely, familiar and called the order in.

We feasted on food that I will probably never eat again. I’m sure it is somebody’s comfort food, but not mine. It was an act of kindness that won’t be repeated.

Honoring Those Who Do

It's my day off from work and there is a volunteer appreciation reception at the end of the day in the office. My boss told me not to come in for it, as she is quite respectful of the sacred "day off." And I was very tempted to take her up on the offer. But doing this project is helping me develop an even greater respect for those who volunteer their time. It is simple enough to do a kind gesture, or donate some money. Those things require some forethought and follow through, but not a large commitment of one’s time. And I am finding that THAT is really the hardest thing to do. While I am working towards that goal, the very least I can do is show my appreciation for those who have mastered it.

Monthly Feature

Trying to think of a kind deed to do every day is more than a challenge than I anticipated. Eventually I will need to decide once and for all that originality doesn’t count. Today the challenge was doubled by the fact that my home computer is currently out of commission, so I needed to do something and write about it before leaving work. My boss (whom I don’t think knows about this blog yet) may consider it rather unkind for me to be writing this on work time. Therefore, wordsmithing is at a minimum today.

The worry of having no idea what to do, along with the pressure of a before the end to work day deadline was hovering. Adding to that was hunger, since I forgot my lunch. When I went to store to pick something up I spotted the flower section, and there it was easy as that. I picked out a bouquet and had them wrapped. On my way out of the store I handed them to a woman who was sitting alone and eating her lunch. It was truly a delight to see her smile; I could not believe that I had experienced a second’s worth of angst around this task. I had so much fun, this might just have to be monthly featured act of kindness.

A Step

I signed my family up to volunteer in nearby town that is working to develop a community garden. It looks like a great project and I learned about it from eco website I learned about when I donated money on Earth Day. I haven’t told them (my family) yet, nor have we actually done anything. But it’s a step, so I’ll count it for the day.

Generations of Kindness

Having coffee with a friend, I mentioned that it was getting to be late afternoon and I had yet to fulfill my daily act of kindness. I spent much of the day visiting with my elderly parents. My friend suggested that this should count towards the quota. I disagreed, saying that taking credit for going about one’s regular routine doesn’t seem quite right. I’m one of seven siblings, and every one of us has a role, visiting with my parents and making sure that they are well. Visiting today was not, by any stretch, an extraordinary act. It was just being part of a family.

My coffee companion argued that this was her point. She went on to tell me about a 20 year old memory she had of my mom that remains vivid to this day. When her husband was ill in hospital for an extended period, she came home to find a plate of cookies on her doorstep, left by my mom. She and my mom had only met a few times, so that made the gesture seem even more meaningful. Kindness, it was pointed out to me, is a family affair too.

Creeping Kindness

We bought some deck furniture today. It was from a locally owned store that was severely understaffed. Hopefully, it won’t be the next victim of the economy. Because of the shortage of staff, there was just one person to help us and approximately ten other people who decided to look for deck furniture on this beautiful spring day. The man was pleasant, and clearly tired from the constant running back and forth between the warehouse and the store floor. He answered our questions, retrieved our furniture, and delivered it to the car with a smile and without a complaint.

A few months ago, it would not even have occurred to me that we should offer him a tip. Two things changed my mind. One, was my teenage niece telling me about her job at the grocery store where she helps customers put bags in the car, but is not allowed to accept money. I honestly didn’t know that there were any stores left that offered this service, and I didn’t know it was something people tipped for. I have either led a sheltered life or I’m cheap, or perhaps a bit of both. The second thing that was the kindness commitment is starting to shift my mind set. The thought crept into my head without my awareness that, of course, we should tip him. And my husband, who is a bit more tight-fisted than I when it comes to giving out cash, readily agreed and handed over a tip. Kindness is creeping in, at least in this house.

Kind of the Right Thing

Apparently Wednesday was Administrative Professionals Day and we forgot to honor our staff at my office. My boss, who usually never misses an opportunity to tell someone they are doing a good job, felt particularly remiss. She quickly rallied and had us present the support staff with flowers and a promise that we would send them all out to lunch next week while we covered for them. Honestly, I felt quite relieved to get off the hook just by contributing.

Today in the office, two days later, I felt a little, well, unkind. As I was gathering my things to leave for the day, I thought perhaps I should write each person a note to let them know more personally about my gratitude for their work. I walked towards that door thinking I would get some nice cards this weekend and work on them. As I reached the door, I realized if I made it outside, I probably would never get around to writing anything. I sat back down and wrote a note for each person, then delivered them to the mailboxes on my way out the door.

It did not feel much like an act of kindness. More like an act of do the right thingness.

Earth Day

Earth day, what to do? Stopped for my morning coffee, and felt guilty because I didn’t bring in a reusable cup. Thought about picking up some trash, but the poison ivy is now growing in over my favored trash picking route. And I can’t say that I’m not a little pleased about it. It’s a good excuse not to pick up trash.

Fortunately, I ran into some pleasant guys at the grocery store promoting their website featuring local environmental news. We talked for a while and I donated some money, after I figured out that the world globe on their table had a small hole carved out for such a purpose. Unlike my previous attempt to provide helpful advice about collecting donations, they were actually grateful to hear my feedback that their method of collecting donations could stand to be a little more obvious. Apparently, being one of the only donors to stop at their table, I had the voice of authority.

When I got home I looked at their website, and was pleasantly surprised to see that I didn’t just fulfill my kindness quota for the day, I had found a well done and informative place for local environmental news. I passed it along to some of my friends whom I thought might be interested. I imagine most hit delete before even reaching the end of the email, but perhaps one or two took a look. And if their looking happens to inspire them to become more ‘earth-friendly,’ I think the impact will be more than my picking up yet another Dunkin’ Donuts cup.

Maybe It's Not The Thought That Counts

I went for a walk tonight and waved at every car that went by. I live in rural neighborhood with little traffic, so this was definitely an act of kindness with a lower case “k.” Also, just as courteous drivers are more the norm in other parts of the country, I‘m fairly certain that courteous pedestrians are here too. I might even just just call it an act of humanness.

Almost every person that passed me waved back, and most of them smiled. One exception was the guy talking on the cell phone. He didn’t wave or smile. I don’t even know if he saw me. And since he wasn’t waving or smiling, I was thinking rather unkind thoughts about his driving while talking on the cell phone. And I am absolutely using the word "unkind" as a euphemism here. So the question follows, does an unkind thought negate a kind act? About a week ago I said that sometimes, it’s the thought that counts. Tonight the emphasis is on “sometimes.”

The Wisdom of the Big Chill

Driving home from work I passed a donation bin for shoes and clothes for those in need. Conveniently, I had a bag full of these exact items ready to go in the back of my car. Into the container it went, and I was ready to check my act of kindness off my todo list for the day. But the reality was, I needed to get the clothes out of my house and then subsequently out of my car. As I was mulling over whether this was kindness or was I just proving Jeff Goldblum right when he said in the Big Chill “I don't know anyone who could get through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations,” I spotted another bin. This one was collecting children’s books. I happened to have a pile of those set aside at my house, no longer of interest to my children and awaiting their next home.

Off I went, packed up the pile, drove back and deposited them in the bin. Clearly the extra effort fulfilled my kindness commitment for the day. Or had I simply used my second ration of rationalizing?

More Trash Talk

Several weeks ago my family did a trash pick up along our street. Most of what we picked up was either beer bottles or fast food containers. And of the the latter, the majority was from Dunkin'Donuts. Today we decided to take cleaning up the neighborhood a step further. The boys wrote a letter to the Dunkin'Consumer Care Department, requesting that the company do it's part to educate their customers about proper trash disposal. We'll keep picking up trash as we wait for a response...

The Great Sprinkle Controversy

Standing in line for coffee today I noticed a woman next to me with her daughter waiting in the wrong place. The line was on the left, they were on the right. She looked like she was in a rush, and not at all relaxed; a look I know well from standing in any kind of line with my own kids. I pointed her in the correct direction. After about a 30 second delay, I remembered my commitment to kindness and offered her my place in line. At first she declined, but I insisted, adding that I was enjoying my kid free time and was in no hurry. She accepted and her daughter ordered some sort of pastry with large quantities of jimmies heaped on it. This prompted a conversation between her mom and me about our shared observation that kids around here don’t seem to call them that any more. They say sprinkles. It was fun to find a commonality with a stranger so quickly. Jimmies versus Sprinkles; who knew such controversy could bring people together.

It's Catching

I sent along today, with my husband, some encouraging thoughts to our niece who is getting married in two weeks. We wanted her to know we were thinking about her. That was NOT my act of kindness for the day. But I am taking credit for the fact that my husband, who was looking over my shoulder as I typed, picked up the phone to call a friend immediately after I hit “send.” He had some encouraging thoughts of his own that he realized that he wanted to share. My intention in this project was not to highlight kindness of others as my own doing. But I'm not above it either. And if the spirit is catching on, who am I to argue?

Calling in Kindness

I was watching a talk show today and the guest was a woman who wrote a book about her experience of being polite in New York City for a week. One week. Big deal. Try to think of something nice to do every day for a year. I’m two weeks into this, and coming up with ideas is more of a challenge than I had anticipated. If the end of the day rolls around and no new inspiring act of kindness has struck me, my husband has picked up on the fact that it is going to cost us.

Today was in that category. This afternoon there was a telethon on TV to raise money for victims of the recent flooding in this area. This presented a good opportunity to get the kids involved and enthusiastic about being helpful in different ways. They were able to watch people at the local television station on the set answering the phones as we called in our donation. This seemed a little more real to them then putting just putting a check in the mail. I’m not sure if it took as much effort as being polite in Big Apple for a day, but I’m pacing myself.

A Wave of Kindness

It’s been fun to hear that this blog has inspired others to think about being kind. Recently a friend reported that when cut off in line at the drive through coffee shop, he chose to smile and wave instead of the other hand gesture he was considering. This inspired me to be mindful on my way home from work tonight. I vowed to myself I would wave ahead any car that needed to merge into traffic. I believe in other parts of the country this may be considered the norm. Around here however, it is definitely a sign of weakness.

I must report that I was disappointed that I only had the opportunity to let 3 cars proceed in front of me in my 40 minute commute. I had imagined that I would compile huge statistics, therefore proving that a commitment to kindness could absolutely alter the traffic patterns on the East Coast. Still, I’d like think I’m having some impact on changing the world, one finger at a time.

When Bad Things Happen to Acts of Kindness

Back to the grocery store and at the customer service desk, with a sign for the previously unmarked donation box. I found the manager and made the suggestion that this might help prompt folks to make more donations. I also offered that another sign at the entrance may help customers remember to make a purchase to donate as they shopped.

She was courteous and thanked me for the sign and the suggestion, but it felt as if I had put her a bit on the defensive. Clearly, she had not heard of that new blog, the one about the daily act of kindness. It seemed more as if my actions were interpreted at a criticism. Or maybe it was my manner. But it was apparent that the message sent was not the message received.

I did my best to thank her, a number of times, profusely, for the store’s efforts on behalf of the food pantry. I left the store as quickly as I could, not understanding quite what had happened. But I knew that I had just experienced my first act of kindness gone bad.

Peanut Butter Revisited

On the way home from work I stopped at the store to pick up a few things for dinner. As I checked out, I added a jar of peanut butter to the food collection box. If this sounds familiar, it is. I did the same thing just two days ago. Sadly, I noticed the box had only the same items as it did then. This shows a few things. One, I spend way too much time at the grocery store since this is the third time it is featured in the blog. Two, I clearly have run out of ideas, at least temporarily, for the daily commitment to kindness. And three, maybe other folks are just as well intended as I, but also need some prompts to change intentions into actions. Actually, I believe this to be absolutely true. That most often people plan to do the kind thing, or the right thing, or the polite thing, but life sometimes gets in the way of the follow through.

Fortunately a loyal reader (who has followed this blog since it's inception a week and half ago) has been made a suggestion to me. Perhaps sometimes my efforts can be focused towards helping others turn their good intentions into good deeds. So tomorrow, it’s back to the grocery store…

An "Act" of Kindness

My son was in a play today and I sat in the audience beaming with all the other 4th grade parents. It was impressive the way he delivered his lines, clearly nervous, but giving it his all. I’m not sure, but I think everyone noticed that he was the cutest kid up there. His successful stage debut was primarily due to his teacher who made sure to get the best from him. She took the time to email us about some difficulties he was having preparing, but expressed confidence that he could push through it. And as she sat there watching today, the teacher looked prouder than any of the parents in the audience.

Driving away from the school, I thought about how grateful I was for what she had done, making certain my son was the best he could be. Normally, that’s as far as my gratitude would go. I might have thought about sending her a note, but not actually done it. Or possibly, I may have gone as far as buying a card, but never mailing it. But today I put all the steps together and got it done. Signed, sealed and delivered by the end of the day. Kindness under pressure can be a good thing.

Remembering to be Kind.

Most times when I go to the grocery store there is a box in the front collecting food donations for the local food pantry. Usually around Thanksgiving, I make sure I buy some items to put in. The rest of the year, I never consider in it until I’m leaving and see the box at the end of the check out. Then I think to myself, next time I will remember to buy something extra to donate. When next time comes, I still forget. Today when I went in, I reminded myself (with a note written on my hand I might add) to do just that. I bought a couple extra jars of peanut butter, put them in my grocery bag, loaded it in car, and was pulling out of the parking lot when I remembered that I didn't leave them in the box. Walking back in, I thought, perhaps for the future, a note on the steering wheel might do the trick.

Car Wash

Driving this afternoon I passed a group of college students waving CAR WASH signs. I thought as I went by, “What a cold day for a car wash, you’ve got to give those guys credit.” About 300 yards down the road I remembered my commitment to a daily dose of kindness. I hit the brake causing only a slight lurch from my son in the back seat. Pulling into the parking lot, we saw that the benefit was the American Cancer Society. Since it was a fairly chilly day, I could not in good conscience have someone actually wash my car. I paid the fee without the wash. My son chipped in a dollar in memory of his Grammy who died of cancer. I drove away with a dirty car and a clean conscience.

Courtesy or Kindness?

I am disorganized by nature, or maybe by choice, I’m not sure which. One result is that dealing with my sons’ outgrown clothes often flummoxes me. They stay in drawers until they are at least two sizes too small. Eventually I stuff them into a plastic bag, intending to give them to the neighbors who have two young boys, as soon as I finish washing, sorting and folding them. When my guys were younger, I so appreciated when we received hand-me-downs in that condition.

What actually happens is the bag of crumpled clothes sits in a corner, gets moved several times until I eventually send one of my boys to deliver it, too embarrassed to hand it over myself. Our neighbor always acts gracious and appreciative. I hope the feelings are genuine, but I certainly wouldn’t blame her if she grumbled to herself.

One such bag has sat by my washing machine for at least 2 months. Today the contents were washed, sorted, folded and placed neatly in a basket. I had my boys deliver it, as I’m still embarrassed by the previous loads of crumpled clothes.

Is this an act of kindness or it simply common courtesy? Or maybe it’s kindness refined.

Cynicism Restored

A few weeks ago I completed a phone survey by a marketing company about my shopping habits, The interviewer asked if she could send a more complete questionnaire through email and, because I was feeling particularly unassertive that day, I said sure. It arrived a couple weeks ago, with a promise to donate 250 dollars to a Haiti relief organization when completed. Believing it was too good to be true, I promptly deleted it.

This morning, with my new found commitment to kindness on my mind, I started thinking, what if it was true and I threw away 250 dollars? What if my cynicism prevented the donation from being made? What a waste. I retrieved it from the trash, and reviewed the message again, checking the charity to verify that it was legitimate.

The survey promised to take 15 minutes of my time, and it did. When I got to the end, I anxiously awaited the proclamation that the promised donation was on its way. Instead I was directed to a web site selling a book on leadership qualities, the focus of most of the questions I answered. Rereading the original email, I realized it clearly stated, that “as a thank you for participating in this survey, an overall donation of $250 dollars” will be made, which was not a promise of a 250 dollar donation for each survey completed. It was not a misleading statement, rather I was misled by my enthusiasm.

While my attempt to fill my daily quota for kindness has failed, my level of healthy cynicism has been restored. Today I must be satisfied with the old adage, “It’s the thought that counts.”

Coffee and Kindness

I ironed a pile of my husband’s clothes this morning and very much wanted to count that as an act of kindness. I really hate ironing and do it so infrequently it absolutely could be considered a random act. But I think at a bare minimum, we should be nice to the people we live with. So it did not qualify for today.

On my way to work I stopped at Starbucks. After paying for my coffee I gave the cashier money and asked her to use it for the next person who came in after I left. I had some unease about paying for what could very well be someone’s triple tall half caf no whip fat free caramel macchiato. I frequently snicker to myself in a judgmental sort of way when I hear those orders. And I have been snickered at for insisting I only like the bold taste of Starbucks coffee. Should I have gone to a locally owned café and paid the equivalent of coffee for five people instead? Maybe.

My sister-in-law told me about the time years ago when she drove up to a toll booth, money in hand, and found out from the attendant that the person ahead of her had paid the toll. It is a memory that has remained vivid over time. Perhaps the Starbucks customer will remember this as well, do something similar for someone else, and then it won’t really matter what coffee shop it happened in.

Thank You Donna

This morning I was tearing through aisles of the grocery store, in rush to meet a friend, and I was already late. I passed with a sign asking customers to vote for the Associate of the Month. My first thought was, “not today.” My second thought was, “I need to fulfill the commitment I made on the dang blog.” Four days into this, and I was having some regrets.

It took sixty seconds to write up the form, including the comment that Donna the cashier is always pleasant when I check out and has a wonderful, wry sense of humor. There was an additional 30 seconds required when I had to walk by her register, trying to look casual not creepy, while glancing at the name tag to make sure I got that part right. The task that I didn’t think I had time for took less than a minute and a half to complete.

To Donna in Hannafords, I hope you are named Associate of the Month, and reap whatever benefits and glory accompany that honor. I promise I will tell you in person next time I come through that I appreciate what you do.

Rules

What qualifies as an act of kindness? How long should it take? Can it involve animals or just people? Does helping the environment make the cut? How about donating money? I definitely need some rules.

I’m thinking of a minimum time requirement. My worry is that, as the year goes on and the days are busy, the commitment to this project will fade. Then I will chalk up the mere act of smiling at the person next to me waiting to check out groceries in the kind act column. On the other hand, if this project motivates me to smile rather than knock that person over so I can check out faster, that’s a good thing. So time is out.

Animals are definitely in because my younger son absolutely considers them on an equal par with humans. He may actually like them a tad bit more.

I picked up a garbage bag full of trash along the road yesterday, so the environment is included.

As for money, it feels too easy sometimes to write a check rather than to come face to face with the need. I am more likely to respond to a plea for money than I am to a plea for volunteers. Yet often money is the greatest need. “Money makes the world go around” is a truth in life.

The past few years around the holidays in December, my husband and I have taken our boys shopping to buy gifts to donate. They each pick out toys for someone around their age. This year I noticed more and more requests for gift cards rather than actual gifts. Purchasing these instead of actual presents did not seem as such a concrete lesson, so we stayed with our tradition. Looking back just a few months now, it seems that we had gotten off track of our original intent. If you want to help someone by giving a gift, give what is needed even if it is not necessarily what makes you feel good.

Money is in. Today, I will write and mail a check help families who are victims of the recent floods.

Spirituality and Trash

Today is Easter and I am reminded in two ways of reasons why I am attempting this project. One is that my husband and I are trying to raise our two sons with a sense of spirituality without actually practicing an organized religion. I was raised in a non-practicing Jewish household and my husband was raised in a non-practicing Christian household and our boys are being raised in a non-practicing household. Through the years when they have asked “what religion are we?’ we have responded with some form of “Our religion is that it is important to be a good person and be good to others. This is the essence of most religions.” But they are older now, 10 and 11, and they are quite aware that lip service is different than actions. What exactly does our family do to practice our “religion?” Does being kind once in a while count? Is there a percentage of time spent being kind that qualifies officially as a “religion”?

At times, we have included the boys in our decision making about charitable donations, asking them to pool some of their own money in with ours. We volunteer for various organizations from time to time. But it is rather sporadic, often correlating with a story in the news, or some sort of organized volunteer day. January we gave money to several organizations to help the earthquake victims in Haiti, promising ourselves and our sons to decide that we would continue to donate throughout the year. It is now April and we have yet to make another contribution. This project is meant to serve as daily reminder that being a good person is not a part time or an every once in a while gig.

The second reason Easter reminds me why I am attempting this project is that today I was forced to think “What kind thing am I going to do today that is kind?” Being a holiday, most businesses are closed, families have plans, and this family unit is thrilled to be spending our entire day at home in the “non-practicing” category. I was fairly certain I wouldn’t be seeing anyone else today, never mind a stranger on whom to bestow kindness. This day I needed to think about what I could do that would fit the bill. My hope is that, by the end of this year, it will not be something I need to think about, it will be more a part of who I am.

So, I said to my husband, “Do you think picking trash would count as an act of kindness?” He assured me it did. So off I went, but not before asking the rest of my family to join me. They all politely declined. To their defense, we actually all had spent about an hour doing just this thing a few weeks ago. I was fairly certain that I could have persuaded them join me, but I opted not to put on the pressure. It seemed that would be like making the family go to formal religious services, which doesn’t seem to work as far as I can tell.

As I packed my trash bag with litter from the side of the road (which sadly took me less then 10 minutes to fill), I thought about the question to my spouse, does this act count? And I realized I’m going to need some rules….

Getting Started on Being Kind

About 25 years ago, a man stopped on the highway to help my friend and me when our car had broken down. We were in rural upstate New York on a Sunday far from pretty much anything. He looked at the car, figured out what was wrong, drove us to the home of the owner of the nearest auto parts store, had him open up his shop, found the part we needed, drove us back to our car, fixed it, and about three hours after we had broken down, we were on our way. Only accepting our thanks, he made us promise we would help someone else in the same way.

In the years that have passed since that time, I have tried to keep that promise. Sometimes it is easy to be kind to strangers; hold the door for the person in front, let a car ahead in traffic, write a check for a charity. But it is far easier to rationalize why there isn't time, or money, or reason to be kind. I'm in a hurry, I can't possibly let that car pull out ahead of me. I'm not sure if I will have enough money at the end of the month to donate to the charity with the booth outside the grocery store.

This blog is an attempt to keep that promise, 25 years later. The plan is to commit an act of kindness every day, for the next 365 days. My hope is that, in a year, it will become a way of life rather something I do every once in a while. The reason for writing about it simply to keep me honest. If I have to write it down, I have to do it. So here goes...starting tomorrow.